Last week I sent out a newsletter, where I shared a bit about my personal life. Some of you know what the past two years have held for me. And though I won’t go into explicit detail, I will share some of what I said in my newsletter in case you missed it. First, a side note (as I would do all Gemini’s a disservice without straying from the point before coming back!).
I have a challenging relationship with visibility. Most often, I don’t like to be seen. It feels much safer to be invisible, secretly tending the magical gardens of my own life in private. This comes in part from my up-bringing, which I’m sure many of you can relate to, of feeling like your unique energy and soul weren’t seen, nourished or fully understood. This is doubly true for me, being a Four Enneagram: The Individualist.
It felt safer to be unseen, yet- and again I’m sure you can relate- there was and is a deep ache to be seen and witnessed by the world for my unique magic and medicine. Social media is an interesting platform for these energies to play out. If you know me in real life, you know I connect on a heart level. I am invested in those I work with and offer yoga classes to. I have no problem opening up to people one on one. However, social media feels very different. Who’s seeing this? Do they know me? Will they understand what I’m saying? What will they think?
It’s a challenge to communicate from my heart in the container of Instagram, though I try. And I see many people doing it successfully. Maybe it’s my Four nature, that I fundamentally feel misunderstood. Or perhaps it’s my neuro-divergence. Whatever the case, I’m exploring how to be more authentic and open-hearted on social platforms (while maintaining healthy boundaries, of course!).
I’m a real person, living a real life with challenges, hardships, stress and worries just like everyone else. I’m working with my shadows and healing my wounds in and out of relationship with others. I am far from perfect. I see many qualities of those around me that I feel I do not possess and at times I feel envious (another shadow). I’m working to see my own value, something that has been a constant pain and darkness most of my life. My point in saying this, is that when we see someone’s website or social media it’s easy to forget that they are a real human with real problems. I never want to appear to be a perfect person. I do, however, want to demonstrate my value and skills to my audience, whoever that might be. I have a gift (I believe) for awakening people to their true nature, potential and power. This started through facilitating yoga and yoga trainings. Now, it’s shifting into working one on one with people and to hosting retreats. I believe in myself, and I believe in you. And because of my own personal healing path, of coming out of addiction, self-doubt and darkness, I know it’s possible to see and experience yourself in a new light. This is my prayer and intention for you.
So, back to that newsletter…
Here’s what I wrote: As some of you know, two years ago I separated from a partner I’d been with since I was nineteen. It was both liberating and heartbreaking, and it initiated a huge transition period that I’m still very much in. My whole adult life, I had the support of a partner, someone to hold my hand as I navigated the waters of life. When we broke up, it was like I lost the hand I’d relied so much on. There were times when I really didn’t think I could do it alone. Reflecting back on the wild, unpredictable and incredibly exciting and healing journey the last two years have been, I’m realizing that that breakup was one of the greatest gifts of my life. Largely because it showed me that I can do it on my own. (*A caveat: I’m not a hustler or someone who believes in hyper independence- especially amongst women- rather I believe we need each other, rich community and true support on all levels to thrive). With that said, being on my own has opened doors into myself I could not have imagined. These past two years, I’ve been saying YES to myself WAY MORE, saying yes to adventure, to healing, to taking risks and spending money on what fills up my soul. And you know what? It’s all paid off. I feel more alive and excited than I ever have in my life. More and more feels possible. And yeah, it’s hard some of the time, but I believe it’s hard because I’m growing, I’m confronting my shadows and pushing my edge (and life is just hard sometimes). I also want to add that I loved my partner of fifteen years deeply. He was and is a wonderful human being and I wish him the absolute best life has to offer. It wasn’t a dramatic breakup; we are still friends and care about each other. *I wanted to add that in because a breakup doesn’t have to be insane and dramatic, it can be a conscious uncoupling and separation with understanding.
It wasn’t until after we separated did I realize how much of myself I wasn’t allowing- how many of my needs weren’t met and how many of my desires I wasn’t holding space for. This happens in relationships- especially when you live together and have for a long time. We must compromise to co-habitat. Over time we can lose pieces of ourselves, threads come loose, and we forget to gather them back up and reweave them into the network of ourselves. Thus, we lose parts of ourselves. Some dreams fade because they don’t align with our partner’s. I could only see this outside of my relationship. The past two years have been a magical (and uncertain) time of dreaming and weaving the lost pieces of myself back together.
Life has never been harder than it has been the past two years. Supporting myself, visioning for a future by myself and wondering how the hell that’s going to come together. Then there’s the daily tasks involved in keeping life afloat and functioning. Feeding myself… I lost my chef with my partner and now I fend for myself. Cooking is not my strong suit, I prefer to dance in the ethers and never mind eating, the air and ideas will suffice. I’m doing all that alone now. So, yeah, it’s hard. AND I’ve never been happier in my life! I feel excited and full of optimism, and potential that I’m eager to reach!
I share this with you because once I didn’t feel excited or optimistic. I was happy enough, but I wasn’t on fire for life. I wasn’t in love with myself and who I was becoming. I am now! And I know it’s possible to rise from the muck and bloom like the lotus flower. I’m sure (and I hope) there will be many more journeys through the mud and many more bloomings like the one I’m in now. I offer a prayer if you feel stuck, bored and lost in your life. I felt this way for a long time (longer than I was willing to admit to myself). It took an enormous change to shake me out of it and though I don’t think that’s always what must happen to initiate change and growth, there is something to stepping or being pushed out of your comfort zone. So, I’ll leave you with this: what is your heart aching for? Travel, love, sex, creation? Let yourself feel your desire. Then, my dear, be brave enough to act.