I never know when the darkness will call. Always unexpected. It comes like the grim reaper. To take away a piece of me (a perception, an attachment, a shadow) that has long outlived its residence. I always resist at first. How could life take such a sudden turn, I wonder in anguish and resentment? Just moments ago everything was fine. But was it? Of course, once I surrender and open my eyes to what is truly here, I see that, no, everything was not fine. I was sweeping things under the rug and hoping they would go away instead of fester. Would it all have turned out the same had I tended to them straight away or done things differently? Maybe and maybe not. We can never know. All we have is now and the single stone we stand upon in this moment. The choices we made with the knowledge and tools we had at the time. We cannot blame ourselves. Yet, we can listen. Hopefully, next time, we will do better. And in the end, life is one great big lesson. We are ever learning and ever evolving. Nothing is black and white, failure or success, nor is anything static and certain. It is all so deeply nuanced, and we must remember this. Please remember this.
I had some major relationships fall to the fate of the grim reaper’s sickle in the month of September 2023. Each were unexpected and yet, looking back at the energies in play (and how I’d been feeling about each relationship respectively) it was not such a surprise. To have three major relationships stripped away within the space of one month had me on my knees, begging the Great Goddess Kali for mercy. “No more, please no more.” And yet, despite the pain and fear and grief, I knew I was being blessed. Blessed and realigned. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, these relationships were not healthy, and I saw no way to repair them. In each of them I had been betraying myself, crossing my own boundaries and not honoring my needs. It’s been hard and painful. And to have these relationships cleaned out in such an intense and dramatic way still has my head spinning. The farther I travel along this path, the more my mind is blown by how Spirit steps in to support me (never in the way I think- always better and far more inventive that anything I could’ve conjured).
I have been on a “spiritual path” for some time. It’s hard to say how long. When was my first initiation? Ten or eleven years ago… or was it twenty? I would say at age twenty-five/six is when I really dove into dissecting myself, my motives and took a good, hard look at my patterns- though, I will credit my younger self for always being inquisitive. At 25 I quit drinking alcohol, seeing the destructive loop that was preventing me from growing. I’ve quit many challenging things in my life before that- alcohol was the easiest. Bulimia and self-destructive thoughts were the hardest.
What I’ve learned about being on a spiritual path, is that it gets harder, not easier as you go along. I know! I’m sorry! I wish I could tell you otherwise. I wish I could tell you that it’s all sparkles and unicorns. The truth is, it’s a venture into the night. Into the darkness. Every year, I learn to befriend the unknown. Over and over, I am asked to do this. Lean into uncertainty and surrender everything I think I know.
Yoga has been my path for nearly seventeen years. Like all spiritual paths, yoga is a practice/process of unifying with the Divine, of uncovering and remembering our true selves. I’ve frequently come across the analogy of cleaning away the grime from a stained-glass window to uncover your true self. We are all Divine Light under the layers of our conditioned self, our likes and dislikes, our attachments, beliefs, biases, etc. Yoga (and every spiritual path) is a process of peeling away the layers that are not us. I’ve spoken and written about this countless times. However, it’s worth reinforcing here.
Finding our true selves is not an adding on of more, but a stripping away to get us down to our core. Our bare essence. That’s where our magic is. At the center. In my experience, this stripping away is painful. Painful and liberating. Every time a layer is peeled away, a piece is taken (willingly surrendered or ripped from my hands while I scream), I feel freer, lighter, and more like myself. This path liberates. It does. But often, the process looks nothing like what we think or hope it will.
In 2015 I wrote a novel (it took me two solid years). Had I known as I lightheartedly frolicked my way into that venture what the process would entail, how it would strip me down to my bones and demand my focus and discipline in a way I’d never known, I likely wouldn’t have started writing that book. And so are the tests, trials, and initiations on a spiritual path. If I had known what sacrifices would be demanded, what treasures I would be asked to surrender, I would never have embarked upon this path. And yet, here I am. Freer and more in love with myself and this life than I knew was possible. Don’t get me wrong, it still has me shaking in boots some days. That black void of the Great Mystery eyeing me with her treacherous and unknowable gaze. Yet, I’ve felt the love in that intense blackness too. I’ve swam in her waters more than once now, and even though she terrifies me, I trust her.
I’ve had some hard lessons lately. The part of me that wants to hold on, that doesn’t want to shed or change, screams in protest, and declares with indigence the injustice! The wiser part of me with the higher perspective can see exactly what the essence of these lessons are- and accepts them graciously, with gratitude. Because ultimately, I can see these “lessons” were answers to my prayers.
What am I trying to say in all this? That spirituality, healing, being on a spiritual path or awakening (whatever language you want to use for this journey you’re on), can- especially in its initial phases- seem like sparkles and rainbows. “Everything is working out for my highest good!” she shrieks with abandon! And it is. It’s just that what’s in your highest good is often a stripping away of a lot of shit that isn’t who you truly are- a fuckload of identities, beliefs and energies you’ve picked up along the path of your life- often from trauma and other people’s ideas of who you should be. Spirit comes in and says, “That’s not you. Let me take it from you.” Because underneath it all is what you’ve been searching for. And in the taking, we feel like we’re dying. Because we are. Who you started as on this path is not who you will finish as. It’s a metamorphosis, an unveiling of the true light that you are- a light and brilliance beyond your wildest dreams. Who you are is so much more than you’ve ever been led to believe. The more you are open to letting go of old stories of yourself- especially the ones you believe with a firm and unyielding conviction- be open to letting those fall away like gossamer cloth in a gust of autumnal wind. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Surrender is the answer. I’ve been saying it for years. Those of you who don’t like to let go will fight me tooth and nail. Asking why? How? For that, I have no answer. All I can say is, “Surrender and Trust.” Over and over again. Let the sweet nectar of life come to you. And at the same time, surrender to the sting of transformation. For surely you will find both upon this path.